What to do after a breakup – 5 proven ideas

What happened to me, what worked & what I recommend…

Context: we were together for 6 years, married for 3. She was on a visa and I was her sponsor. We were married happily for a while but things started to break down fast. I caught her cheating and pulled the pin on her visa. The only way she could stay in the country was if she could prove “family violence”. That’s just another term the Australian authorities define domestic violence as. However, she was violent, I wasn’t. If you’re wondering what to do after a breakup, here’s what worked for me.

In Australia, when a female claims domestic violence, the police have a duty of care to place an interim AVO on the alleged offender as I was told. Whether this is completely true or not I’m unsure, but my barrister echoed this. 

The day they served me I felt like a colossal piece of shit…

The things that were written about me made me feel sick. The empty feeling of not knowing what to do was crushing. The fact the stories in the document in front of me were fabricated made it even worse. 

It was over and I knew it. There was no salvaging this. 

Here’s how I fixed myself up and these are some beliefs that have served ME well:

1. Training:

Your mind is the strongest or weakest ally you can have. When you catch yourself thinking about what ifs, maybe I shoulds, maybe we can fix it, I wonder if she’s thinking about me’s; shift your focus. If you can’t find a happy memory from something else, then you’re not trying hard enough. You have been happy before her, you can be happy after her. 

She wasn’t the one, she was just the first. If it was meant to be, it would have been. This was my mentality. 

If you can’t find a way to do shift your focus mentally, do it physically. If you can do both, do both. Go to the gym, do something that makes you sweat. Do something that requires energy. Your body will reward you with endorphins. Become addicted to or strongly connected to this. You have to find a routine you enjoy. The best workout program is the one you stick to. If you hate the gym, join a sports team. If you hate team sports, try a solo one. I recommend Brazilian jiu-jitsu. You can’t be depressed when you’re fighting for your life.

BJJ requires patience, commitment, mental strength, physical strength and the ability to disengage from your ego. These are all traits that the person who deserves you will respect and desire – if you want to find a partner in the future, you’ll also be future proofing yourself so that when you’re ready, you’ll be in fantastic shape. You’ll also have more self respect and be more healthy. 

Remember, it’s almost impossible to remove one area of your life without replacing it with another and expect positive results. This is part of why drug addicts relapse (in a very broad sense). 

2. Diet:

You are what you eat. If you feel like shit and eat nothing but burgers and drink beer, that’s why. Learn about calories in vs calories out. It’ll take you a couple of hours. Look up a macro calculator online and get your body goals locked in. Then, stick to it. Cheat meals are fine. We’re not bodybuilders (unless you want to be). Don’t make the process a chore. Remember the end goal is to have the life you deserve. Your mental health will also thank you. 

3. Work:

If you hate your job, get the fuck out of it. I’ve had more jobs than I’ve had years on this planet (I’m 37 btw). Remember, if you died on Friday, they’d replace you on Monday. Hate your career? Change it. Upskilling is easy. YouTube can get you almost any piece of information you want and show you how to action it. 

Learn a high ticket skill like sales, digital marketing or ecom. If you have a passion, pursue it. If it requires marketing or anything you don’t know and can’t (or won’t) learn, outsource it. Use Upwork, Fiverr or any other talent platform to find help in developing economies. Scared or nervous of interviews? Man up. 

Find a few shit jobs in the industry you’re trying to get into that you don’t care about, apply and learn from the school of hard knocks on the fly. Once they start offering the jobs, apply for one you actually want. Google “perfect resume for >insert industry here<” then tailor to your skillset. Remember, when you go for (most) jobs, you can learn on the fly. Your job is to get the job, not tell the truth. This advice was given to me by a psychologist.

You could literally watch a weekend worth of sales tutorials on YouTube and apply for a role on Monday.

4. Dating:

This one was single handedly the biggest game changer for me. Now, I actually do come from a sales career so I thought this skill would transcend the job. It kind of did, kind of didn’t.

I was always SHIT at talking to women in a personal sense (vs professional) but I wanted to get better at this. I went on 100+ dates from about March 2021 to December 2023. The only awkward one was the second one. My confidence started to shoot up the more I did this. Now, I wasn’t looking for a partner and I made a promise to myself to avoid hurting anyone along the way. This was broken a few times but that’s the game. You can’t help someone else ignoring your honesty and letting feelings get involved. My profiles were all very honest that I was not looking for anything serious.

A psychologist I’d seen years before told me that the data shows it takes about 2 years to heal and recover from a traumatic breakup and even though I’d healed in what felt like 3 weeks, 2 years to the day was when I went official with my partner I’ve been with for over a year officially and known for almost 2. We never fight. Learn from your past, identity the triggers and when you feel them, disengage. Don’t repeat the cycle. 

5. Audit your circle of friends:

There is a rule that states that you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time around. Hang around with successful people, your chances of being successful skyrocket, same as if you hang around with losers. Legacy friendships (friends who are friends just because you’ve known them a long time) need a good looking at. Are they helping you, are they supporting you, will they support you if you need it? If you meet up with a person or group of people and you leave feeling worse about yourself than when you arrived, avoid them. Blind loyalty can’t see toxic traits. That doesn’t mean cut off every friend and isolate yourself, just protect your energy. 

Now, you’re probably noticing that I’ve not mentioned any kids. That’s because I don’t have any. So, before anyone comes with self sabotaging excuses that this won’t work because you have kids, this will absolutely work if you tailor it to your situation. 

There are a variety of elements I’ve left out because this would turn into a fucking encyclopaedia if I laid out every single detail. The dating part is a monster in itself but the point is if I could, you fucking can. 

The reason I’m posting this is because I am a regular, below average looking guy who simply decided not to quit on myself. 

I have 2 failed suicide attempts under my belt, one of which should have 100% succeeded but for some reason it didn’t, but that’s a story for another time. 

For anyone who really thinks their situation is completely unique and unfixable, it’s not. You just haven’t looked at it through the right lens. 

Stay positive gents. 

Here’s a pic of me miserably married vs happily single.

Final Thoughts

This situation should (and would) have been traumatic for most men, but I was quite fortunate in that I’d been heavy into personal development for over 10 years. I’d worked for Tony Robbins, met Jordan Belfort (wanker), worked with hypnotherapists, psychologists, spoken with psychiatrists, worked with plant medicine while living in Peru from 2017-2019 including Ayahuasca, San Pedro & DMT. Along this journey I’ve gone deep into the subconscious and worked with leaders in this field, from the lineage of Tony Robbins to understand how to identify and heal traumas. I work mostly with men, however am very experienced in working with females also.

If you’d like to get an idea of how I can help you not only identify the root cause of your traumas (it’s not so often coming from where you think it is), please get in touch and let’s chat here.